New York shut down with Alabama-like precision panic due to the threat of terrifying snow. Yet it wasn’t bad, so all the lunatic weather scaremongers had to haul their cookies over to Connecticut and Massachusets. In all, New England received 30 inches of snow, but a Patriots team trainer lowered it to just 26. It’s all about de flate, de flate, de flate – no cheating.*
The Pentagon now says they have not filed desertion charges against Bowe Bergdahl. The investigation’s BEEN complete for a while yet the findings on his actions still have not been released. What’s the deal? Do we need to exchange 5 Taliban guys to get the report released?
The controversy continues over the overturning of Alabama’s same sex marriage ban. The federal judge’s initial ruling was revised because the ruling on the ruling was new and therefore was independent of the ruling whereupon she ruled about the ruling.
The proposed tax hike on 529 college savings plans – has been scrapped. The idea was nixed shortly after it was discovered President Obama has one such plan for his own kids. Oops! There’s one White House “check to see if anyone finds out we have what we want to tax” assistant who will be looking for work.
Didn’t the X-Files already cover this? Researchers want to release genetically modified mosquitoes into the Florida Keys. The hilariously sinister-sounding firm Oxitech, believes they can stop mosquito-borne diseases. By making more mosquitoes. Who would have no natural predators. Don the Listener called in to tell me he Googled the article and found the researchers plan on adding herpes simplex 2 and Ebola to the mosquitoes’ DNA. What could possibly go wrong with this? I’d like to offer you a part in my next film, “Mutant Mosquitoes from Florida.”
After all the NFL scandals and Tiger Woods’ “tooth-gate,” I’d like to thank the Patriots for at least making their sports scandal actually about a sport. With the whole "Deflate-gate" thing still going on, maybe the Super Bowl half-time show should feature Air Supply. I ordered a “Patriot” with my dinner last night. It's pretty much any drink with soda that's semi-flat.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1861, Kansas became a state. Up until then, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had no idea where she wasn't.
A drone landed on the White House lawn the other day. Somewhere, Joe Biden is being yelled at right now.
Who you gonna call? Some complainey-pants Ghostbuster fans are upset there’s an upcoming movie with an all-female cast of specter-slayers. Oh boo hoo hoo. So you’re not getting the movie you wanted them to make? Get in line behind all of us Star Wars fans who had to sit through Jar Jar Binks’ and Hayden Christiansen.
By the way, there’s ANOTHER asteroid coming today. How’s that space program coming along America? This asteroid isn’t as large as yesterday’s, but it IS large enough to build a Starbucks there. It’s not the best place for a restaurant, it lacks atmosphere. HEY! You know what kind of plates they’d use in it? Flying saucers. You could get reservations up there if you planet in advance. I wouldn’t go, I prefer to pack my own food in a launch box. Boom.
And, it was this date in 2014 our area experienced the Icepocalypse. Hundreds of drivers abandoned cars on frozen roads while others were trapped for hours, kids couldn’t get home from school, I had to sleep here at the station for two days – and the words “only a dusting” became legend.
*It’s a song we don’t play on the Eagle.