Time to hit those After Groundhog Day sales.
The White House was briefly locked down this morning after an unattended package was left in the adjacent park. Turns out President Obama had just ordered some cigarettes off line and had them delivered to the park in case Michelle was watching. “If anyone asks, tell them they’re for Biden!”
In just one month, the US already has more cases of measles than we see in an entire year. Quick! Somebody appoint a Measles Czar. Then appoint a Grand Vizier or a Duke or something to oversee all the random Czars we have who aren’t really doing anything.
Scientists say a new sleep study shows adults need 7-9 hours of sleep to be at their best, a number unchanged from a previous study. Are they even bothering with a cure for cancer anymore?
AOL is laying off 3% of its workforce. Most were informed online by a robotic voice that said, “You've got layoff!” Kids, you’ll have to ask your parents what AOL was. Is? Actually, AOL just suffered a security breach. At least 15 parents were affected. (There was no such breach, Mom and Da, it’s an AOL joke).
The NTSB says “selfies” are to blame for a fatal plane crash near Denver. A GoPro camera found near the wreckage contained footage of the pilot and passenger snapping self-portraits during much of the flight. Nope. Selfies were not to blame: two idiots playing with their phones are to blame.
Gas prices are expected to start climbing back up thanks to a bunch of jerk refinery workers on strike, but we should be able to keep it under $3 a gallon through the end of the year. Wow! Gas is under three dollars a gallon and Suge Knight is in jail for murder! It’s like we’re back in the 1990’s!
In the months following the suicide of Robin Williams, his widow is behaving with quiet dignity and grace. Just kidding – she and his kids are fighting over his estate.
It was a pretty rough Groundhog Day yesterday; the Mayor of Wisconsin was bitten by his city’s groundhog then read the prediction wrong. He also seemed surprised that a wild animal is pretty grumpy when you wake it up and make it stare at the sun. I’m the same way. At least de Blasio in New York managed not to kill anything this year. Except hopes and dreams and all that kind of junk.
And … Birmingham Bill, the city’s official groundhog was nowhere to be seen yesterday. Why? Birmingham Zoo officials say Bill is “taking this year off.” Wow, dude. You had ONE JOB. Ugh! Typical Birmingham City employee – Bill’s probably partying down in Gulf Shores using his sick leave. You mean we don’t have a stunt groundhog we can call in for the SINGLE LOUSY DAY A YEAR he has to work? What are we supposed to do now? Use science to predict the weather???